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The Phantom Head Shaver of Brighton – a Goon Show classic

The Phantom Head Shaver of Brighton – a Goon Show classic

On March 18, 2015, Posted by , In The Goon Show LIVE! News & Updates, With Comments Off on The Phantom Head Shaver of Brighton – a Goon Show classic

David Attrill as Wallace Greenslade in The Goon Show LIVE!

We love all those wonderful Goon Show episodes… but we can only do a few at a time during our dinner-theatre shows.

Our last Sydney show for March is fast approaching; it’s on this Saturday 21st March at the Warrawee Bowling Club and Function Centre. While the show features Spike Milligan’s ‘Lurgi Strike Britain‘, our programme also includes the delightful ‘The Phantom Head Shaver of Britain‘.

For all those Goons fans out there, here’s the opening sequence of ‘Head Shaver’… we love it;

GREENSLADE:
This is the BBC Home Service.

FX:
[Penny in mug]

GREENSLADE:
Thank you. Tonight’s broadcast comes to you from an Arab Stench-Recuperating Centre in Stoke Poges. The play is considered unsuitable for people.

SECOMBE:
Mr. Greenslade refers, of course, to the highly esteemed Goon Show.

ORCH:
[‘Who Were You With Last Night’ very fast, ‘Razza Ma Tazz’]

SECOMBE:
Ah, what a composer that Richnah Wagner was. Now, tonight, the Goons, with the aid of a calibrated Turkish boot lathe and a portable volcano net, will re-enact a drama of crime. Mr. Greenslade?

GREENSLADE:
Yes, sir?

SECOMBE:
Tell the eager masses what we have in store for them.

GREENSLADE:
Rubbish.

SECOMBE:
Thank you. Yes, it’s rubbish – but to make it more interesting we call it…

SELLERS:
‘The Phantom Head Shaver of Brighton’.

ORCH:
[Dramatic theme, rising crescendo]

MILLIGAN:
It started in Brighton – 1898 – the year of the great Edison Bell.

SECOMBE:
Yes – Often I heard it ringing in the night.

FX:
[Big Ben played very fast mixed with any odd sounds (bagpipes, splashes, cats etc…)]

SECOMBE:
Midnight o’clock and a half quarter – six and seven-eighths or thereabouts! Sleeping peacefully in the Hotel Fred are the delightful young newlyweds Nugent and Mrs. Dirt.

MILLIGAN:
Suddenly! From their room we hear…

MRS DIRT:
OoooooOO! Helppppppppppp! Helpppppppppp! Helpppppppppp! Oh! Look at his bonce! Ohhh!

NUGENT DIRT:
Prunella, are you awake, dearest heart?

MRS DIRT:
Get away from me with that dirty big bald head!

NUGENT DIRT:
Bald head?

NUGENT AND MRS DIRT:
[Panic]

FX:
[Door bursts open]

MORIARTY:
[Approaches] Please, please, please, please, please I beg, please, yakkamakka, please. Madame, M’sieu please – all this noise – you are waking all the other honeymoon couples up – now what is the trouble?

MRS DIRT:
It’s ‘im – my husband – look at him.

MORIARTY:
He appears to be a perfectly normal freak.

NUGENT DIRT:
If I get off this billiard table I’ll strike you down –

MRS DIRT:
You shut up – baldy.

NUGENT DIRT:
What’s all this baldy stuff – I’m not bald.

MORIARTY:
The madame is right – you are – bald!

ORCH:
[Crashing theme]